Duchess of Berwick So strange Lord Windermere isn't here. Mr Hopper is very late, too. You have kept those five dances for him, Agatha?

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma.

Duchess of Berwick Just let me see your card. I'm so glad, Lady Windermere has revived cards. – They're a mother's only safeguard. You dear simple little thing! No girl should ever waltz with such particularly younger sons! It looks so fast! The last two dances you might pass on the terrace with Mister Hopper.

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma.

Parker Lady Jedburgh.

Mr Dumby Good evening, Lady Jedburgh . I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?

Lady Jedburgh I suppose so, Mr Dumby. It's been a delightful season, hasn't it?

Mr Dumby Quite delightful! Good evening, Duchess. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?

Duchess of Berwick I suppose so, Mr Dumby. It has been a very dull season, hasn't it?

Mr Dumby Dreadfully dull! Dreadfully dull!

Lady Plymdale Good evening, Mr Dumby. I suppose this will be the last ball of the season?

Mr Dumby Oh, I think not. There'll probably be two more.

Parker Mister Hopper.

Mister Hopper How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do, Duchess?

Duchess of Berwick Dear Mister Hopper, how nice of you to come so early. We all know how you are run after in London.

Mister Hopper Capital place, London! They are not nearly so exclusive in London as they are in Sydney.

Duchess of Berwick Ah, we know your value, Mister Hopper. We wish there were more like you. It would make life so much easier. Do you know, Mister Hopper, dear Agatha and I are so much interested in Australia. It must be pretty with all the dear little kangaroos flying about. Agatha has found it on the map. What a curious shape it is! Just like a large packing case. Now I mustn't keep you.

Mister Hopper But I should like to dance with Lady Agatha, Duchess.

Duchess of Berwick Well, I hope she has a dance left. Have you a dance left, Agatha?

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma.

Duchess of Berwick The next one?

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma.

Mister Hopper May I have the pleasure?

Duchess of Berwick Mind you take care of my little chatterbox, Mister Hopper.

enter Lord Windermere

Lord Windermere Margaret, I want to speak to you.

Lady Windermere In a moment.

Parker Lord Augustus Lorton. Lord Darlington.

Lord Augustus Good evening, Lady Windermere. Want to speak to you particularly, dear boy. What I want to know is this. Who is she? Where does she come from? Why hasn't she got any demmed relations? Demmed nuisance, relations! But they make one so demmed respectable.

Lord Windermere You are talking of Mrs Erlynne, I suppose? I only met her six months ago. Till then, I never knew of her existence.

Lord Augustus You have seen a good deal of her since then.

Lord Windermere I have just seen her.

Lord Augustus Egad! the women are very down on her. I have been dining with my sister this evening! By Jove! you should have heard what she said about Mrs Erlynne. She didn't leave a rag on her. ... Berwick and I told her that didn't matter much as the lady in question must have an extremely fine figure. ... But, look here, dear boy. I don't know what to do about Mrs Erlynne. She's deuced clever, too! She has got any amount of explanations for you – and all of them different.

Lord Windermere No explanations are necessary about my friendship with Mrs Erlynne.

Lord Augustus Hem! Well, look here, dear old fellow. Do you think she will ever get into this demmed thing called Society? Would you introduce her to your wife?

Lord Windermere Mrs Erlynne is coming here tonight.

Lord Augustus Your wife has sent her a card?

Lord Windermere Mrs Erlynne has received a card.

Lord Augustus Then she is alright, dear boy. But why didn't you tell me that before? It would have saved me a heap of worry and demmed misunderstandings!

Parker Mr Cecil Graham!

Cecil Graham Good evening, Arthur. Why don't you ask me how I am? I like people to ask me how I am. It shows such a widespread interest in my health. Now, tonight I am not at all well. My father would talk morality over dinner. I told him he was old enough to know better. But my experience is that as soon as people are old enough to know better, they don't know anything at all. Hullo, Tuppy! Hear you're going to be married again; thought you were tired of that game.

Lord Augustus You're excessively trivial, my dear boy, excessively trivial.

Cecil Graham By the way, Tuppy, which is it? Have you been twice married and once divorced, or twice divorced and once married? I say you've been twice divorced and once married. It sounds so much more probable.

Lord Augustus I have a very bad memory. I really don't remember which.

Lady Plymdale Lord Windermere, I've something most particular to ask you.

Lord Windermere I am afraid – if you will excuse me – I must join my wife.

Lady Plymdale Oh, you mustn't dream of such a thing. It's most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when they're alone. But I'll tell you what it is at supper.

Lord Windermere Margaret! I must speak to you.

Lady Windermere Will you hold my fan for me, Lord Darlington? Thanks.

Lord Windermere Margaret, what you said before dinner was, of course, impossible?

Lady Windermere That woman is not coming here tonight.

Lord Windermere Mrs Erlynne is coming here, and if you in any way annoy her or wound her, you will bring shame on us both. Ah, Margaret! only trust me! A wife should trust her husband.

Lady Windermere London is full of women who trust their husbands. One can always recognize them. They look so thoroughly unhappy. I am not going to be one of them. Lord Darlington, will you give me back my fan, please? Thanks. ... A useful thing a fan, isn't it? ... I want a friend tonight, Lord Darlington: I didn't know I would want one so soon.

Lord Darlington Lady Windermere! I knew the time would come some day; but why tonight?

Lord Windermere I will tell her. I must. Margaret ...

Parker Mrs Erlynne!

Lord Darlington You have dropped your fan, Lady Windermere.

Mrs Erlynne How do you do, again, Lord Windermere? How charming your sweet wife looks!

Lord Windermere It was terribly rash of you to come!

Mrs Erlynne The wisest thing I ever did in my life. And, by the way, you must pay me a good deal of attention this evening. I am afraid of the women. You must introduce me to some of them. The men I can always manage. How do you do, Lord Augustus? You have quite neglected me lately. I have not seen you since yesterday. I am afraid you're faithless.

Lord Augustus Now really, Mrs Erlynne, allow me to explain.

Mrs Erlynne No, dear Lord Augustus, you can't explain anything. It is your chief charm.

Lord Augustus Ah! if you find charms in me, Mrs Erlynne –

Lord Darlington How pale you are!

Lady Windermere Cowards are always pale!

Lord Darlington You look faint. Come out on the terrace.

Mrs Erlynne Oh, how do you do, Mr Graham? Isn't that your aunt, Lady Jedburgh? I should so much like to know her.

Cecil Graham Oh, certainly, if you wish it. Aunt Caroline, allow me to introduce Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne So pleased to meet you, Lady Jedburgh. Your nephew and I are great friends. He's such a brilliant talker. But we all know from whom he inherits that. Lord Allendale was saying to me only yesterday, that Mr Graham talks almost as well as his aunt.

Lady Jedburgh Most kind of you to say these charming things to me!

Mr Dumby Did you introduce Mrs Erlynne to Lady Jedburgh?

Cecil Graham Had to, my dear fellow. Couldn't help it. That woman can make one do anything she wants.

Mr Dumby Hope to goodness she won't talk to me.

Mrs Erlynne (to Lady Jedburgh) On Thursday? With great pleasure. (to Lord Windermere) What a bore it is to have to be civil to these old dowagers. But they always insist on it!

Lady Plymdale (to Mr Dumby) Who is that well-dressed woman talking to Windermere?

Mr Dumby Haven't got the slightest idea! Looks like an edition de luxe of a wicked French novel, meant specially for the English market.

Mrs Erlynne So that is poor Dumby with Lady Plymdale? I hear she is frightfully jealous of him. Do you know, I think I'll dance with you first, Windermere. It will make Lord Augustus so jealous! Lord Augustus! Lord Windermere insists on my dancing with him first, and, as it's his house, I can't well refuse. You know I would much sooner dance with you.

Lord Augustus I wish I could think so, Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne You know it far too well. I can fancy a person dancing through life with you and finding it charming.

Lord Augustus You are the most adorable of all ladies.

Mrs Erlynne What a nice speech. So simple and so sincere. Ah, Mr Dumby, how are you? I am so very sorry I have been out the last three times you have called. Come and lunch on Friday.

Mr Dumby Delighted!

exit Mrs Erlynne, Lord Windermere, Lord Augustus

Lady Plymdale What an absolute brute you are! Why did you tell me you didn't know her? What do you mean by calling on her three times running? You are not to go to lunch there.

Mr Dumby My dear Laura, I wouldn't dream of going.

Lady Plymdale You haven't told me her name yet! Who is she?

Mr Dumby She's a Mrs Erlynne.

Lady Plymdale That woman!

Mr Dumby Yes; that is what everyone calls her.

Lady Plymdale How very interesting! How intensely interesting! I really must have a good stare at her. I have heard the most shocking things about her They say she is ruining poor Windermere. And Lady Windermere, who goes in for being so proper, invites her! How extremely amusing! It takes a thoroughly good woman to do a thoroughly stupid thing. You are to lunch there on Friday!

Mr Dumby Why?

Lady Plymdale Because I want you to take my husband with you. He has been so attentive lately, that he has become a perfect nuisance. Now, this woman is just the thing for him. He'll dance attendance upon her as long as she lets him, and won't bother me. I assure, women of that kind are most useful. They form the basis of other people's marriages.

Mr Dumby What a mystery you are!

Lady Plymdale I wish you were!

Mr Dumby I am – to myself. I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly; but I don't see any chance of it just at present.

Lady Windermere Yes. Her coming here is monstrous, unbearable. I know now what you meant today at tea-time. Why didn't you tell me right out? You should have!

Lord Darlington I couldn't! A man can't tell these things about another man! But if I had known he was going to make you ask her here tonight, I think I would have told you.

Lady Windermere I did not ask her. He insisted on her coming – against my entreaties – against my command. Oh! the house is tainted for me! I feel that every woman here sneers at me as she dances by with my husband. What have I done to deserve this? I gave him all my life. He took it – used it – spoiled it! I am degraded in my own eyes; and I lack courage – I am a coward!

Lord Darlington If I know you at all, I know that you can't live with a man who treats you like this! What sort of life would you have with him? You would feel that he was lying to you every moment of the day. You would feel that the look in his eyes was false, his voice false, his touch false, his passion false. You would have to be the mask of his real life, the cloak to hide his secret.

Lady Windermere You are right – you are terribly right. But where am I to turn? You said you would be my friend, Lord Darlington. – Tell me, what am I to do? Be my friend now.

Lord Darlington Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. I love you –

Lady Windermere No, no!

Lord Darlington Yes, I love you! You are more to me than anything in the world. What does your husband give you? Nothing. I offer you my life-

Lady Windermere Lord Darlington!

Lord Darlington My life – my whole life. Take it, and do with it what you will. ... I love you – love you as I have never loved any living thing. From the moment I met you I loved you, loved you blindly, adoringly, madly! You did not know it then – you know it now! Leave this house tonight. I won't tell you that the world matters nothing, or the world's voice, or the voice of society. They matter a great deal. They matter far too much. But there are moments when one has to choose between living one's own life, fully, entirely, completely – or dragging out some false, shallow degrading existence that the world in its hypocrisy demands. You have that moment now. Choose! Oh, my love, choose.

Lady Windermere I have not the courage.

Lord Darlington Yes; you have the courage. There may be months of pain, of disgrace even, but when you no longer bear his name, when you bear mine, all will be well. Margaret, my love, my wife that shall be some day – yes, my wife! Oh! go – go out of this house, with head erect, with a smile upon your lips, with courage in your eyes. Wrong? What is wrong? It's wrong for a man to abandon his wife for a shameless woman. It is wrong for a wife to remain with a man who so dishonours her. You said once you would make no compromise with things. Make none now. Be brave! Be yourself!

Lady Windermere I am afraid of being myself. Let me think. Let me wait! My husband may return to me.

Lord Darlington And you would take him back! You are not what I thought you were. You are just the same as every other woman. You would stand anything rather than face the censure of the world. In a week you will be driving with this woman in the Park. She will be your constant guest – your dearest friend. You would endure anything rather than break with one blow this monstrous tie. You are right. You have no courage; none!

Lady Windermere Ah, give me time to think. I cannot answer you now.

Lord Darlington It must be now or not at all.

Lady Windermere Then, not at all!

Lord Darlington You break my heart!

Lady Windermere Mine is already broken.

Lord Darlington Tomorrow I leave England. You will never see me again. For one moment our lives met – our souls touched. They must never meet or touch again. Good-bye, Margaret. (exit)

Lady Windermere How alone I am in life! How terribly alone!

Duchess of Berwick Dear Margaret, I have just been having such a delightful chat with Mrs Erlynne. I am very sorry for what I said to you this afternoon about her. Of course, she must be all right if you invite her. Can't imagine why people speak against her. But where is Agatha? Oh, there she is. Mister Hopper, I am very, very angry with you. You have taken Agatha out on the terrace and she is so delicate.

Mister Hopper Awfully sorry, Duchess. We went out for a moment and then got chatting together.

Duchess of Berwick Ah, about dear Australia, I suppose?

Mister Hopper Yes!

Duchess of Berwick Agatha, darling!

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma!

Duchess of Berwick Did Mister Hopper definitely –

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma.

Duchess of Berwick And what answer did you give him, dear child?

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma.

Duchess of Berwick My dear one! You always say the right thing. Mister Hopper! James! Agatha has told me everything. How cleverly you have both kept your secret.

Mister Hopper You don't mind my taking Agatha off to Australia, then, Duchess?

Duchess of Berwick To Australia? Oh, don't mention that dreadful vulgar place.

Mister Hopper But she said she'd like to come with me.

Duchess of Berwick Did you say that, Agatha?

Lady Agatha Yes, mamma.

Duchess of Berwick Agatha, you say the most silly things possible. I think on the whole that Grosvenor Square would be a more healthy place to reside in. There are lots of vulgar people live in Grosvenor Square, but at any rate there are no horrid kangaroos crawling about. But we'll talk about that tomorrow, James, you'll come to lunch, of course. The Duke will wish to say a few words to you, I am sure.

Mister Hopper I should like to have a chat with the Duke, Duchess. He has not said a single word to me yet.

Duchess of Berwick I think you'll find he will have a great deal to say to you tomorrow. And now good night, Margaret. I'm afraid it's the old, old story, dear. Love – well, not love at first sight, but love at the end of the season.

Lady Windermere Good night, Duchess.

Lady Plymdale My dear Margaret, what a handsome woman your husband has been dancing with! I should be quite jealous if I were you! Is she a great friend of yours?

Lady Windermere No!

Lady Plymdale Really? Good night, dear.

Mr Dumby Sensible woman, Lady Windermere. Lots of wives would have objected to Mrs Erlynne coming. But Lady Windermere has that uncommon thing called common sense.

Cecil Graham And Windermere knows that nothing looks so like innocence as an indiscretion.

Lady Jedburgh Good night, Lady Windermere. What a fascinating woman Mrs Erlynne is. She is coming to lunch on Thursday; won't you come too?

Lady Windermere I am afraid I am engaged, Lady Jedburgh.

Lady Jedburgh So sorry. Good night.

Mrs Erlynne Charming ball it has been! Quite reminds me of old days. And I see that there are just as many fools in society as there used to be. So pleased to find that nothing has altered! Except Margaret. She has grown quite pretty. The last time I saw her – twenty years ago, she was a positive fright, I assure you. The dear Duchess! and that sweet Lady Agatha! Just the type of girl I like! Well, really, Windermere, if I am to be the Duchess's sister-in-law –

Lord Windermere But are you - ?

Mrs Erlynne Oh, yes. He's to call tomorrow at twelve o'clock! He wanted to propose tonight. In fact he did. He kept on proposing. Poor Augustus, you know how he repeats himself. Such a bad habit. Of course I am going to take him. And I dare say I'll make him an admirable wife. There is a great deal of good in Lord Augustus. Fortunately it is all on the surface. Just where good qualities should be. Of course you must help me in this matter.

Lord Windermere I am not called on to encourage Lord Augustus, I suppose?

Mrs Erlynne Oh, no! I do the encouraging. But you will make me a handsome settlement, Windermere, won't you?

Lord Windermere Is that what you want to talk to me about tonight?

Mrs Erlynne Yes.

Lord Windermere I will not talk of it here.

Mrs Erlynne Then we will talk of it on the terrace. Even business should have a picturesque background.

Lord Windermere Won't tomorrow do as well?

Mrs Erlynne No; you see, tomorrow I am going to accept him. And I think it would be a good thing if I was able to tell him that I had – well, what shall I say? £ 2,000 a year left me by a third cousin – or a second husband – or some distant relative of that kind. It would be an additional attraction, wouldn't it? You have the opportunity of paying me a compliment, Windermere. But you are not very clever at paying compliments. I am afraid, Margaret doesn't encourage you in that excellent habit. But seriously, what do you say to £ 2,000? £ 2,500, I think. In modern life, margin is everything. Windermere, don't you think the world an intensely amusing place? I do!

Lady Windermere To stay in this house any longer is impossible. Tonight a man who loves me has offered me his whole life. I refused it. It was foolish of me. I will offer him mine now. I will go to him! (writes a letter and leaves it on the table) Arthur has never understood me. When he reads this, he will. It is he who has broken the bond of marriage – not I! I only break its bondage.

Mrs Erlynne Is Lady Windermere in the ball-room?

Parker Her ladyship has just gone out.

Mrs Erlynne Out of the house?

Parker Yes, madam – her ladyship told me she had left a letter for his lordship on the table.

Mrs Erlynne Thank you. (exit Parker) Gone out of the house! A letter addressed to her husband! No, no! It would be impossible! Life doesn't repeat its tragedies like that! Oh, why does this horrible fancy come across me? Why do I remember now the one moment of my life I most wish to forget? Does life repeat its tragedies? (opens letter and reads it) Oh, how terrible! The same words that twenty years ago I wrote to her father! and how bitterly I have been punished for it! No, my punishment, my real punishment is tonight, is now!

Lord Windermere Have you said good night to my wife?

Mrs Erlynne Yes.

Lord Windermere Where is she?

Mrs Erlynne She is very tired. She has gone to bed.

Lord Windermere I must go to her. You'll excuse me?

Mrs Erlynne Oh, no! It's nothing serious. Besides, there are people still in the supper-room. She wants you to make her apologies to them. She said she didn't want to be disturbed. (drops letter) She asked me to tell you!

Lord Windermere You have dropped something.

Mrs Erlynne Oh, yes, thank you, that is mine.

Lord Windermere But it's my wife's handwriting, isn't it?

Mrs Erlynne Yes, it's – an address. Will you ask them to call my carriage, please?

Lord Windermere Certainly.

Mrs Erlynne Thanks! What can I do? What can I do? The daughter must not be like the mother – that would be terrible. How can I save my child? Windermere must be got out of the house; that is absolutely necessary. But how shall I do it? Ah!

Lord Augustus Dear Lady, I am in such suspense! May I not have an answer to my request?

Mrs Erlynne Lord Augustus, listen to me. You are to take Lord Windermere down to your club at once, and keep him there as long as possible. You understand?

Lord Augustus But you said you wished me to keep early hours?

Mrs Erlynne Do what I tell you. Do what I tell you.

Lord Augustus And my reward?

Mrs Erlynne Ask me that tomorrow. But don't let Windermere out of your sight tonight. If you do I will never forgive you. I will never speak to you again. I'll have nothing to do with you. Remember you are to keep Windermere at your club, and don't let him come back tonight.

Lord Augustus Well, really, I might be her husband already. Positively I might.

Lady Windermere Why doesn't he come? This waiting is horrible. He should be here. Why is he not here, to wake by passionate words some fire within me? I am cold – cold as a loveless thing. ... Oh! it was mad of me to come here, horribly mad. And yet, which is the worst, I wonder, to be at the mercy of a man who loves one, or the wife of a man who in one's own house dishonours one? But will he love me always, this man to whom I am giving my life? What do I bring him? Lips that have lost the note of joy, eyes that are blinded by tears, chill hands and icy heart. I bring him nothing. I must go back, let Arthur do with me what he pleases. I can't wait here. It has been madness my coming. I must go at once. As for Lord Darlington – Oh, here he is! What shall I do? What can I say to him? Will he let me go away at all? I have heard that men are brutal, horrible ... Oh

Mrs Erlynne Lady Windermere! Thank Heaven I am in time. You must go back to your husband's house immediately.

Lady Windermere Must?

Mrs Erlynne Yes, you must! There is not a second to be lost. Lord Darlington may return at any moment.

Lady Windermere Mrs Erlynne – if you had not come here, I would have gone back. But now that I see you, I feel nothing in the whole world would induce me to live under the same roof as Lord Windermere. You fill me with horror. And I know why you are here. My husband sent you to lure me back that I might serve as a blind to whatever relations exist between you and him.

Mrs Erlynne Oh! You don't think that – you can't.

Lady Windermere Go back to my husband, Mrs Erlynne. He belongs to you and not to me. I suppose he is afraid of a scandal. Men are such cowards. But he had better prepare himself. He shall have a scandal. He shall have the worst scandal that has been in London for years. He shall see his name in every vile paper, mine on every hideous placard.

Mrs Erlynne No – no –

Lady Windermere Yes! he shall. Had he come himself, I admit I would have gone back to the life of degradation you and he had prepared for me – I was going back – but to stay himself at home, and to send you as his messenger – oh! it was infamous – infamous.

Mrs Erlynne Lady Windermere, you wrong me horribly – you wrong your husband horribly. He doesn't know you are here – he thinks you are safe in your own house. He thinks you are asleep in your own room. He never read the letter you wrote to him!

Lady Windermere Never read it!

Mrs Erlynne No – he knows nothing about it.

Lady Windermere How simple you think me! You are lying to me!

Mrs Erlynne I am not. I am telling you the truth.

Lady Windermere If my husband didn't read my letter, how is it that you are here? Who told you I had left the house you were shameless enough to enter? Who told you where I had gone to? My husband told you, and sent you to decoy me back.

Mrs Erlynne Your husband has never seen the letter. I – saw it, I opened it. I – read it.

Lady Windermere You opened a letter of mine to my husband? You wouldn't dare!

Mrs Erlynne Dare! Oh! to save you from the abyss into which you are falling, there is nothing in the world I would not dare, nothing in the world.

Lady Windermere I cannot trust you. You, whose whole life is a lie, how could you speak the truth about anything?

Mrs Erlynne Think as you like about me - say what you choose against me, but go back, go back to the husband you love.

Lady Windermere I do not love him!

Mrs Erlynne You do, and you know that he loves you.

Lady Windermere He does not understand what love is. He understands it as little as you do – but I see what you want. Dear Heaven! what a life I would have then! Living at the mercy of a woman who has neither mercy nor pity in her, a woman whom it is an infamy to meet, a degradation to know, a vile woman, a woman who comes between husband and wife!

Mrs Erlynne Lady Windermere, Lady Windermere, don't say such terrible things. You don't know how terrible they are, how terrible and how unjust. Listen, you must listen! Only go back to your husband, and I promise you never to communicate with him again on any pretext – never to see him – never to have anything to do with his life or yours. The money that he gave me, he gave me not through love, but through contempt. The hold I have over him –

Lady Windermere Ah! you admit you have a hold!

Mrs Erlynne Yes, and I will tell you what it is. It is his love for you that has made him submit to – oh! call it what you like, tyranny, threats, anything you choose. But it is his love for you. His desire to spare you – shame, yes, shame and disgrace.

Lady Windermere What do you mean? You are insolent! What have I to do with you?

Mrs Erlynne Nothing. I know it – but I tell you that your husband loves you – that you may never meet with such love again in your life – that such love you will never meet – and that if you throw it away, the day may come when you will starve for love and it will not be given to you, beg for love and it will be denied you – Oh! Arthur loves you!

Lady Windermere Arthur? And you tell me there is nothing between you?

Mrs Erlynne Lady Windermere, before Heaven, your husband is guiltless of all offence towards you! And I – tell you that had it ever occurred to me that such a monstrous suspicion would have entered your mind I would have died rather than have crossed your life or his – oh! died, gladly died!

Lady Windermere You talk as if you had a heart. Women like you have no hearts. Heart is not in you. You are bought and sold.

Mrs Erlynne Believe what you choose about me. I am not worth a moment's sorrow. But don't spoil your beautiful young life on my account! You don't know what may be in store for you, unless you leave this house at once. You don't know what it is to fall into the pit, to be despised, mocked, abandoned, sneered at – to be an outcast! to find the door shut against one, to have to creep in by hideous byways, afraid every moment lest the mask should be stripped from one's face, and all the while to hear the laughter, the horrible laughter of the world, a thing more tragic than all the tears the world has ever shed. You don't know what it is. One pays for one's sin, and then one pays again, and all one's life one pays. You must never know that. – As for me, if suffering be an expiation, then at this moment I have expiated all my faults, whatever they have been; for tonight you have made a heart in one who had it not, made it and broken it. – But let that pass. I may have wrecked my own life, but I will not let you wreck yours. You – why, you are a mere girl, you would be lost. You haven't got the kind of brains that enables a woman to get back. You have neither the wit nor the courage. You couldn't stand dishonour! No! Go back, Lady Windermere, to the husband who loves you, whom you love. You have a child, Lady Windermere. Go back to that child who even now, in pain or in joy, may be calling to you. God gave you that child. He will require from you that you make his life fine, that you watch over him. What answer will you make to god if his life is ruined through you? Back to your house, Lady Windermere – your husband loves you! He has never swerved for a moment from the love he bears you. But even if he had a thousand loves, you must stay with your child. If he was harsh to you, you must stay with your child. If he ill-treated you, you must stay with your child. If he abandoned you, your place is with your child. (Lady Windermere bursts into tears) Lady Windermere!

Lady Windermere Take me home. Take me home.

Mrs Erlynne Come! Come at once!

Lady Windermere Stop! Don't you hear voices?

Mrs Erlynne No, no! There is no one!

Lady Windermere Yes, there is! Listen! oh! that's my husband's voice! He is coming in! Save me! Oh, it's some plot! You have sent for him.

Mrs Erlynne Silence! I'm here to save you, if I can. But I fear it is too late! There! The first chance you have, slip out, if you ever get a chance!

Lady Windermere But you?

Mrs Erlynne Oh never mind me, I'll face them.

Lord Augustus (outside) Nonsense, dear Windermere, you must not leave me!

Mrs Erlynne Lord Augustus! Then it is I who am lost!

Mr Dumby What a nuisance their turning us out of the club at this hour! It's only two o'clock. The lively part of the evening is only just beginning.

Lord Windermere It is very good of you, Lord Darlington, allowing Augustus to force our company on you, but I'm afraid I can't stay long.

Lord Darlington Really! I am so sorry! You'll take cigar, won't you?

Lord Windermere Thanks!

Lord Augustus My dear boy, you must not dream of going. I have a great deal to talk to you about, of demmed importance, too.

Cecil Graham Oh, we all know, what that is! Tuppy can't talk about anything but Mrs Erlynne.

Lord Windermere Well, that's no business of yours, is it, Cecil?

Cecil Graham None! That's why it interests me. My own business always bores me to death. I prefer other people's.

Lord Windermere You always amuse me, Cecil. You talk as if you were a man of experience.

Cecil Graham I am.

Lord Darlington You are far too young!

Cecil Graham That is a great error. Experience is a question of instinct about life. I have got it. Tuppy hasn't. Experience is the name Tuppy gives to his mistakes.

Lord Darlington Excuse me, fellows. I am going away tomorrow. And I have to write a few letters. Have something to drink, fellows.

Mr Dumby Clever woman, Mrs Erlynne.

Lord Augustus A very clever woman. Knows perfectly well what a demmed fool I am – knows it as well as I do myself. Ah, you may laugh, my boy, but it is a great thing to come across a woman who thoroughly understands one.

Mr Dumby It is an awfully dangerous thing. They always end by marrying one.

Cecil Graham But I thought, Tuppy, you were never going to see her again! Yes! you told me so yesterday evening at the club. You said you'd heard - (whispering to him)

Lord Augustus Oh, she's explained that.

Cecil Graham And the Wiesbaden affair?

Lord Augustus She's explained that, too.

Mr Dumby And her income, Tuppy? Has she explained that?

Lord Augustus She's going to explain that tomorrow. Mrs Erlynne has a future before her.

Mr Dumby Mrs Erlynne has a past before her.

Lord Augustus I prefer women with a past, They're always so demmed amusing to talk to.

Cecil Graham Well, you'll have lots of topics of conversation with her, Tuppy.

Lord Windermere Dumby, you are ridiculous, and Cecil, you let your tongue run away with you. You must leave Mrs Erlynne alone. You don't really know anything about her, and you're always talking scandal against her.

Cecil Graham My dear Arthur, I never talk scandal. I only talk gossip.

Lord Windermere What is the difference between scandal and gossip?

Cecil Graham Oh! gossip is charming! History is merely gossip. But scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.

Lord Augustus Just my sentiments, dear boy, just my sentiments.

Cecil Graham Sorry to hear it, Tuppy; whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

Lord Augustus My dear boy, when I was your age –

Cecil Graham But you never were, Tuppy, and you never will be. I say, let us have some cards. You'll play, Arthur, won't you?

Lord Windermere No, thanks, Cecil

Mr Dumby Good Heavens! how marriage ruins a man!

Cecil Graham You'll play, of course, Tuppy?

Lord Augustus Can't, dear boy. Promised Mrs Erlynne never to play or drink again.

Cecil Graham Now, my dear Tuppy, don't be led astray into paths of virtue. Reformed, you would be perfectly tedious. That is the worst of women. They like to find us quite irretrievably bad, and to leave us quite unattractively good.

Lord Darlington They always do find us bad!

Mr Dumby I don't think we are bad. I think we are all good, except Tuppy.

Lord Darlington No, we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Mr Dumby We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars? Upon my word, you are very romantic tonight, Darlington.

Cecil Graham Too romantic! You must be in love. Who is the girl?

Lord Darlington The woman I love is not free, or thinks she isn't.

Cecil Graham A married woman, then! Well, there is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It's a thing no married man knows anything about.

Lord Darlington Oh, she doesn't love me. She is a good woman. She is the only good woman I have ever met in my life.

Mr Dumby I congratulate you, my dear fellow. In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it. The last is much the worst; the last is the real tragedy!

Cecil Graham Of course you are quite faithful to this woman you are in love with, Darlington, to this good woman?

Lord Darlington Cecil, if one really loves a woman, all other women in the world become absolutely meaningless to one. Love changes one – I am changed.

Cecil Graham Dear me! How very interesting! Tuppy!

Lord Augustus What is it?

Cecil Graham Come over here. I want you particularly. Darlington has been moralizing and talking about the purity of love, and that sort of thing, and he has got some woman in his rooms all the time.

Lord Augustus No, really! really!

Cecil Graham Yes, here is her fan.

Lord Augustus By Jove! By Jove!

Lord Windermere I am really off now, Lord Darlington. I am sorry you are leaving England so soon. Pray call on us when you come back. My wife and I will be charmed to see you!

Lord Darlington I am afraid I shall be away for many years. Good-night!

Cecil Graham Arthur!

Lord Windermere What?

Cecil Graham I want to speak to you for a moment. No, do come!

Lord Windermere I can't – I'm off!

Cecil Graham It is something very particular. It will interest you enormously.

Lord Windermere It is some of your nonsense, Cecil.

Cecil Graham It isn't! It isn't really.

Lord Augustus My dear fellow, you mustn't go yet. I have a lot to talk to you about. And Cecil has something to show you.

Lord Windermere Well, what is it?

Cecil Graham Darlington has got a woman here in his rooms. Here is her fan. Amusing, isn't it?

Lord Windermere Good God!

Cecil Graham What is the matter?

Lord Windermere Lord Darlington!

Lord Darlington Yes!

Lord Windermere What is my wife's fan doing here in your rooms?

Lord Darlington Your wife's fan?

Lord Windermere Yes, here it is!

Lord Darlington I don't know!

Lord Windermere You must know. I demand an explanation. (to Cecil Graham) Don't hold me, you fool. Why is my wife's fan here? Answer me! By God, I'll search you rooms, and if my wife's here, I'll –

Lord Darlington You shall not search my rooms. You have no right to do so. I forbid you!

Lord Windermere You scoundrel! I'll not leave your room till I've searched every corner of it.

Mrs Erlynne Lord Windermere!

Lord Windermere Mrs Erlynne!

Mrs Erlynne I am afraid I took your wife's fan in mistake for my own, when I was leaving your house tonight. I am so sorry.

Lady Windermere How can I tell him? I can't tell him. It would kill me. I wonder what happened after I escaped from that horrible room. Perhaps she told them the true reason of her being there, and the real meaning of that – fatal fan of mine. Oh, if he knows – how can I look him in the face again? He would never forgive me. How securely one thinks one lives – out of reach of temptation, sin, folly. And then suddenly – Oh! Life is terrible. It rules us, we do not rule it.

Parker Did your Ladyship ring for me?

Lady Windermere Yes. Have you found out at what time Lord Windermere came in last night?

Parker His lordship did not come in till five o'clock.

Lady Windermere Five o'clock. He knocked at my door this morning, didn't he?

Parker Yes, my lady – at half-past nine. I told him your ladyship was not awake yet.

Lady Windermere Did he say anything?

Parker Something about your ladyship's fan. I didn't quite catch what his lordship said. Has the fan been lost, my lady? I can't find it in any of the rooms.

Lady Windermere It doesn't matter. That will do. (exit Parker) She is sure to tell him. I can fancy a person doing a wonderful act of self-sacrifice, doing it spontaneously, recklessly, nobly – and afterwards finding out that it costs too much. Why should she hesitate between her ruin and mine? ... How strange! I would have publicly disgraced her in my own house. She accepts public disgrace in the house of another to save me. ... There is a bitter irony in things, a bitter irony in the way we talk of good and bad women. ...Oh, what a lesson! and what a pity that in life we only get our lessons when they are of no use to us! For even if she doesn't tell, I must. Oh, the shame of it, the shame of it. To tell it is to live through it all again. Actions are the first tragedy in life, words are the second. Words are perhaps the worst. Words are merciless. ... Oh!

Lord Windermere Margaret, how pale you look, you are not well. You've been doing too much. Let us go away to the country. You'll be all right at Selby. The season is almost over. There is no use staying on. Poor darling! We'll go away today, if you like. We can easily catch the 3:40. I'll send a wire to Fannen.

Lady Windermere Yes, let us go away today. No; I can't go today, Arthur. There is some one I must see before I leave town – some one who has been kind to me.

Lord Windermere Kind to you?

Lady Windermere Far more than that. I will tell you, Arthur, but only love me, love me as you used to love me.

Lord Windermere Used to? You are not thinking of that wretched woman who came here last night? You don't still imagine – no, you couldn't.

Lady Windermere I don't. I know I was wrong and foolish.

Lord Windermere It was very good of you to receive her last night – but you are never to see her again.

Lady Windermere Why do you say that?

Lord Windermere Margaret, I thought Mrs Erlynne was a woman more sinned against than sinning, as the phrase goes. I thought she wanted to be good, to get back into a place that she had lost by a moment's folly, to lead again a decent life. I believed what she told me – I was mistaken in her. She is bad – as bad as a woman can be.

Lady Windermere Arthur, Arthur, don't talk so bitterly about any woman. I don't think now, that people can be divided into the good and the bad as though they were separate races or creations. What are called good women may have terrible things in them, mad moods of recklessness, assertion, jealousy, sin. Bad women, as they are termed, may have in them sorrow, repentance, pity, sacrifice. And I don't think Mrs Erlynne a bad woman – I know she's not.

Lord Windermere My dear child, the woman's impossible. No matter what harm she tries to do us, you must never see her again. She is inadmissible anywhere.

Lady Windermere But I want to see her. I want her to come here.

Lord Windermere Never!

Lady Windermere She came here once as your guest. She must come now as mine. That is but fair.

Lord Windermere She should never have come here.

Lady Windermere It is too late, Arthur, to say that now.

Lord Windermere Margaret, if you knew where Mrs Erlynne went last night, after she left this house, you would not sit in the same room with her. It was absolutely shameless, the whole thing.

Lady Windermere Arthur, I can't bear it any longer. I must tell you. Last night –

Parker Mrs Erlynne has called to return your ladyship's fan which she took away by mistake last night.

Lady Windermere Oh, ask Mrs Erlynne to be kind enough to come up.

Lord Windermere Margaret, I beg you not to. Let me see her first, at any rate. She's a very dangerous woman. She is the most dangerous woman I know. You don't realize what you're doing.

Lady Windermere It is right that I should see her.

Lord Windermere My child, you may be on the brink of a great sorrow. Don't go to meet it. It is absolutely necessary that I should see her before you do.

Lady Windermere Why should it be necessary?

Parker Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne How do you do, Lady Windermere? How do you do? Do you know, Lady Windermere, I am so sorry about your fan. I can't imagine how I made such a silly mistake. Most stupid of me. And as I was driving in your direction, I thought I would take the opportunity of returning your property in person with many apologies for my carelessness, and of bidding you good-bye.

Lady Windermere Good-bye? Are you going away, then, Mrs Erlynne?

Mrs Erlynne Yes; I am going to live abroad again. The English climate doesn't suit me. My – heart is affected here, and that I don't like. I prefer living in the south. London is too full of fogs and – serious people, Lord Windermere. Whether the fogs produce the serious people or the serious people produce the fogs, I don't know, but the whole thing rather gets on my nerves, and so I'm leaving this afternoon by the Club Train.

Lady Windermere This afternoon? But I wanted so much to come and see you.

Mrs Erlynne How kind of you! But I am afraid I have to go.

Lady Windermere Shall I never see you again, Mrs Erlynne?

Mrs Erlynne I am afraid not. Our lives lie too far apart. But there is a little thing I would like you to do for me. I want a photograph of you, Lady Windermere – would you give me one? You don't know how gratified I should be.

Lady Windermere Oh, with pleasure. There is one on that table. I'll show it to you.

Lord Windermere (to Mrs Erlynne in a low voice) It is monstrous your intruding yourself here after your conduct last night.

Mrs Erlynne My dear Windermere, manners before morals!

Lady Windermere I'm afraid it is very flattering – I am not so pretty as that.

Mrs Erlynne You are much prettier. But haven't you got one of yourself with your little boy?

Lady Windermere I have. Would you prefer one of those?

Mrs Erlynne Yes.

Lady Windermere I'll go and get it for you, if you'll excuse me for a moment. I have one upstairs.

Mrs Erlynne So sorry, Lady Windermere, to give you so much trouble.

Lady Windermere No trouble at all, Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne Thanks so much.

Mrs Erlynne You seem rather out of temper this morning, Windermere. Why should you be? Margaret and I get on charmingly together.

Lord Windermere I can't bear to see you with her. Besides, you have not told me the truth, Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne I have not told her the truth, you mean?

Lord Windermere I sometimes wish you had. I should have been spared then the misery, the anxiety, the annoyance of the last six months. But rather than my wife should know – that the mother whom she was taught to consider as dead, the mother whom she has mourned as dead, is living – a divorced woman, going about under an assumed name, a bad woman preying upon life, as I know you now to be – rather than that, I was ready to supply you with money to pay bill after bill, extravagance after extravagance, to risk what occurred yesterday, the first quarrel I have ever had with my wife. You don't understands what that means to me. How could you? But I tell you that the only bitter words that ever came from those sweet lips of hers were on your account, and I hate to see you next to her. You sully the innocence that is in her. And then I used to think that with all your faults you were frank and honest. You are not.

Mrs Erlynne Why do you say that?

Lord Windermere You made me get you an invitation to my wife's ball.

Mrs Erlynne To my daughter's ball – yes.

Lord Windermere You came, and within an hour of leaving the house you are found in a man's rooms – you are disgraced before everyone.

Mrs Erlynne Yes.

Lord Windermere Therefore I have a right to look upon you as what you are – a worthless, vicious woman. I have a right to tell you never to enter this house again, never to attempt to come near my wife –

Mrs Erlynne My daughter, you mean.

Lord Windermere You have no right to claim her as your daughter. You left her, abandoned her when she was but a child in the cradle, abandoned her for your lover, who abandoned you in turn.

Mrs Erlynne Do you count that to his credit, Lord Windermere – or to mine?

Lord Windermere To his, now that I know you thoroughly.

Mrs Erlynne I question that.

Lord Windermere I do know you. For twenty years of your life you lived without your child, without a thought of your child. One day you read in the papers that she had married a rich man. You saw your hideous chance. You knew that to spare her the ignominy of learning that a woman like you was her mother, I would endure anything. You began your blackmailing.

Mrs Erlynne Don't use ugly words, Windermere. They are vulgar. I saw my chance, it is true, and took it.

Lord Windermere Yes, you took it – and spoiled it all last night by being found out.

Mrs Erlynne You are quite right, I spoiled it all last night.

Lord Windermere And as for your blunder in taking my wife's fan from here and then leaving it about in Darlington's rooms, it is unpardonable. I can't bear the sight of it now. I shall never let my wife use it again. The thing is soiled for me. You should have kept it and not brought it back.

Mrs Erlynne I think I shall keep it. It's extremely pretty. I shall ask Margaret to give it to me.

Lord Windermere I hope my wife will give it to you.

Mrs Erlynne Oh, I'm sure she shall have no objection.

Lord Windermere I wish at the same time she would give you a miniature she kisses every night before she prays – It's a miniature of a young innocent-looking girl with beautiful dark hair.

Mrs Erlynne Ah, yes, I remember. How long ago that seems. It was done before I was married. Dark hair and an innocent expression where the fashion then, Windermere!

Lord Windermere What do you mean by coming here this morning? What is your object?

Mrs Erlynne To bid good-bye to my dear daughter, of course. Oh, don't imagine I am going to have a pathetic scene with her, weep on her neck and tell her who I am, and all that kind of thing. I have no ambition to play the part of a mother. Only once in my life have I known a mother's feelings. That was last night. They were terrible – they made me suffer – they made me suffer too much. For twenty years, as you say, I have lived childless – I want to live childless still. Besides, dear Windermere, how on earth could I pose as a mother with a grown-up daughter? Margaret is twenty-one, and I have never admitted that I am more than twenty-nine, or thirty at the most. Twenty-nine when there are pink shades, thirty when there are not. So you see what difficulties it would involve. No, as far as I'm concerned, let your wife cherish the memory of this dead, stainless mother. Why should I interfere with her illusions? I find it hard enough to keep my own. I lost one illusion last night. I thought I had no heart. I find I have, and a heart doesn't suit me, Windermere. Somehow it doesn't go with modern dress. It makes one look old. And it spoils one's career at critical moments.

Lord Windermere You fill me with horror – with absolute horror.

Mrs Erlynne I suppose, Windermere, you would like me to retire into a convent, or become a hospital nurse, or something of that kind, as people do in silly modern novels. That is stupid of you, Arthur; in real life we don't do such things – not so long as we have any good looks left, at any rate. No; I am going to pass entirely out of your two lives. My coming into them has been a mistake – I discovered that last night.

Lord Windermere A fatal mistake.

Mrs Erlynne Almost fatal.

Lord Windermere I am sorry now I did not tell my wife the whole thing at once.

Mrs Erlynne I regret my bad actions, you regret your good ones, that is the difference between us.

Lord Windermere I don't trust you, I will tell my wife. It's better for her to know, and from me. I am going to tell her.

Mrs Erlynne If you do, I will make my name so infamous that it will mar every moment of her life. It will ruin her, it will make her wretched. If you dare to tell her, there is no depth of degradation I will not sink to, no pit of shame I will not enter. You shall not tell her – I forbid you.

Lord Windermere Why?

Mrs Erlynne If I said to you that I cared for her, perhaps loved her even – you would sneer at me, wouldn't you?

Lord Windermere I should feel it was not true. A mother's love means devotion, unselfishness, sacrifice. What could you know of such things?

Mrs Erlynne You are right. What could I know of such things?

Lady Windermere I am so sorry, Mrs Erlynne to have kept you waiting. I couldn't find the photograph anywhere. At last I discovered it in my husband's dressing-room – he had stolen it.

Mrs Erlynne I am not surprised – it is charming. And so that is your little boy! What is he called?

Lady Windermere Gerard, after my dear father.

Mrs Erlynne Really?

Lady Windermere Yes. If it had been a girl, I would have called it after my mother. My mother had the same name as myself, Margaret.

Mrs Erlynne My name is Margaret too.

Lady Windermere Indeed!

Mrs Erlynne Yes. You are devoted to your mother's memory, Lady Windermere, your husband tells me.

Lady Windermere We all have ideals in life. At least we all should have. Mine is my mother.

Mrs Erlynne Ideals are dangerous things. Realities are better. They wound, but they are better.

Lady Windermere If I lost my ideals, I should lose everything.

Mrs Erlynne Everything?

Lady Windermere Yes.

Mrs Erlynne I am afraid I must go now, Lady Windermere.

Lady Windermere Oh no, don't.

Mrs Erlynne I think I had better. My carriage must have come back by this time. I sent it to Lady Jedburgh's with a note.

Lady Windermere Arthur, would you mind seeing if Mrs Erlynne's carriages has come back?

Mrs Erlynne Pray don't trouble, Lord Windermere.

Lady Windermere Yes, Arthur, do go, please. (exit Lord Windermere) Oh! What am I to say to you? You saved me last night.

Mrs Erlynne Hush – don't speak of it.

Lady Windermere I must speak of it. I can't let you think that I am going to accept this sacrifice. I am not. It is too great. I am going to tell my husband everything. It is my duty.

Mrs Erlynne It is not your duty – at least you have duties to others beside him. You say you owe me something?

Lady Windermere I owe you everything.

Mrs Erlynne Then pay your debt in silence. Don't spoil the one good thing I have done in my life by telling it to any one. Pledge me your word, Lady Windermere, that you will never tell your husband. I insist upon it.

Lady Windermere It is your will, not mine.

Mrs Erlynne Yes, it is my will.

Lord Windermere Your carriage has not come back yet, Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne It makes no matter. I'll take a hansom. And now, dear Lady Windermere, I am afraid it is really good-bye. Oh, I remember. You'll think me absurd, but do you know I've taken a great fancy to this fan that I was silly enough to run away with last night from your ball. Now, I wonder would you give it to me? Lord Windermere says you may. I know it is his present.

Lady Windermere Oh, certainly, if it will give you any pleasure. But it has my name on it. It has 'Margaret' on it.

Mrs Erlynne But we have the same Christian name.

Lady Windermere Oh, I forgot. Of course, do have it. What a wonderful chance our names being the same!

Mrs Erlynne Quite wonderful. Thanks – it will always remind me of you.

Parker Lord Augustus Lorton. Mrs Erlynne's carriage has come.

Lord Augustus Good morning, dear boy. Good morning, Lady Windermere. Mrs Erlynne!

Mrs Erlynne How do you do, Lord Augustus? Are you quite well this morning?

Lord Augustus Quite well, thank you, Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne You don't look at all well, Lord Augustus. You stop up too late – it is bad for you. You really should take more care of yourself. Good-bye, Lord Windermere. Lord Augustus! Won't you see me to my carriage? You might carry the fan.

Lord Windermere Allow me!

Mrs Erlynne No; I want Lord Augustus. I have a special message for the dear Duchess. Won't you carry the fan, Lord Augustus?

Lord Augustus If you really desire it, Mrs Erlynne.

Mrs Erlynne Of course I do. You'll carry it so gracefully, dear Lord Augustus.

Lady Windermere You will never speak against Mrs Erlynne again, Arthur, will you?

Lord Windermere She is better than one thought her.

Lady Windermere She is better than I am.

Lord Windermere Child, you and she belong to different worlds. Into your world evil has never entered.

Lady Windermere Don't say that, Arthur, there is the same world for all of us, and good and evil, sin and innocence, go through it hand in hand. To shut one's eyes to half of life that one may live securely is as though one blinded oneself that one might walk with more safety in a land of pit and precipice.

Lord Windermere Darling, why do you say that?

Lady Windermere Because I, who had shut my eyes to life, came to the brink. And one who had separated us –

Lord Windermere We were never separated.

Lady Windermere We never must be again.

Lord Augustus Arthur, she has explained everything. My dear fellow, she has explained every demmed thing. We all wronged her immensely. It was entirely for my sake that she went to Darlington's rooms. Called first at the Club – fact is, wanted to put me out of suspense – and being told I had gone on – followed – naturally frightened when she heard a lot of us coming in – retired to another room – I assure you, most gratifying to me, the whole thing. We all behaved brutally to her. She is just the woman for me. Suits me down to the ground. All the conditions she makes are that we live entirely out of England. A very good thing too. Demmed clubs, demmed climate, demmed cooks, demmed everything. Sick of it all!

Lady Windermere Has Mrs Erlynne – ?

Lord Augustus Yes, Lady Windermere – Mrs Erlynne has done me the honour of accepting my hand.

Lord Windermere Well, you are certainly marrying a very clever woman!

Lady Windermere Ah, you're marrying a very good woman.